There I was. Laying face first down in the back of a Fed-ex delivery truck in downtown Grand Rapids, MI crying and wondering what had become of my life. It was another cold, dark, snowy evening and I was left to myself for five hours driving around doing pickups. I was in the darkest place I had been in years. I was on my pick up route for Fed-ex, the job God had provided while we lived in Grand Rapids while I was in seminary. But, I was broken, desperate, confused, lost, and extremely depressed. It was in those moments where I would ask, “What just happened over the last six years?”
Six years ago I was on the right track to becoming a successful youth pastor. Biblical Studies degree from Liberty, interned at one of the largest Southern Baptist churches in the nation gaining some valuable youth pastor experience, read many books, having lots of conversations, and then led a youth group from 15 youth to 75 in two years.
And then January of 2004 happened. On one Sunday morning service in January of 2004 three pastors resigned from the pulpit and I was one of them. It was a bombshell that rocked the whole congregation, not that we didn’t know it was coming due to the inner conflict that had been building for years. I remember sitting in the chairs in the sanctuary next the youth that we loved so dearly as the lead pastor read my resignation crying, wondering what had come up my life.
It was not supposed to be like this. My first church experience was not supposed to blow up in my face resulting in me being burned out, bitter, and resentful to God for leading me to such a place of pain. The next seven years of my life would be an inner journey to the depths of my soul where I would face huge amounts of depression, throughs of suicide, a dark night of the soul, long hours of counseling, journaling, prayers of tears, and endless conversations with Adrienne (God bless her soul).
If we don’t learn to face the dark night of the soul and find and trust God in those places, he won’t take us to any sort of kingdom influence.
When we moved to Michigan it was supposed to be a place of healing and stepping back into church work. I was wrong, a loving Father had other plans. Those long hours spent by myself in a Fed-ex truck in Grand Rapids, MI were hard. But Abba Father was crafting something, because the loving Father doesn’t waste anything. I had to spend many hours in that Fed-ex truck by myself at night thinking, praying, and crying because I had to face those demons lurking beneath the surface of my life.
The loving Heavenly Father takes all of the takes all of the pain, all of the struggles, all of the fears, all of the doubts, and redeems it all.
It was in Orlando where I fell in love and met my beautiful wife. He wastes nothing.
For many years we had the privilege to visit family in Florida during Christmas time in the beautiful Florida weather during the winter time. He wastes nothing. He wastes nothing.
It was in Grand Rapids, MI where I heard Pastor Marvin Williams, a black pastor, speak from Isaiah 58 at Mars Hill Bible Church about God’s heart to loosen the chains of injustice and felt the Holy Spirit tell me that this is what I was going to give my life to; reconciling his body. He wastes nothing.
It was in Grand Rapids, MI where I heard a pastor use the expression, “The God who wastes nothing”. I just sat and wept thinking that Orland, FL was only a failure. He wastes nothing.
It was in Grand Rapids, MI where I hit a wall with depression and anxiety and knew I had to seek some help through counseling, a journey I’ve been on since 2008. He wastes nothing.
It was in Grand Rapids, MI where I met the Ledbetters and they introduced me to John Perkins and the Christian Community Development Association. He wastes nothing.
It was in Grand Rapids, MI where I did a research paper on Ephesians 2 about God’s heart to reconcile the Jews and Gentiles and began to be mentored by Reggie Smith, a black pastors who was an adjunct professor at the seminary. He wastes nothing.
Orlando, FL is where I met Phil Hissom from the Polis Institute who wrote Dignity Serves, which would ultimately lead to what I am doing right now, writing and teaching on the spiritual formation as one lives into Christ’s ministry of reconciliation. He wastes nothing.
Because God gets the final say, he wastes nothing and has worked all of those painful places out for his glory and our gain. What David says in Psalms 23 has deeply resonated with me over the years; “Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,”. Abba’s goodness and love has been chasing after me all of those years of pain and struggle, because he was gently loving me.
God is in the hard places wasting nothing. He’s in the most difficult situations. The most difficult conversations. The deepest places of despair, he’s there. Why? Because Paul reminds us in Romans 8 that; “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?” When we are in the places of complete utter exhaustion at the pain and reality of life, Christ’s love is there somehow at work and redeeming all things and wasting nothing. Somehow in those most dark places, God is present and is writing a story. He redeems those dark places for his glory and for our good all the time.
Growing up in a farm house in Bumpville, PA, my mom had the picture of the “Footprints in the sand.” It was a little cheesy, but the main idea always resonated with me. There’s a line that says; “When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you." This has been my reality over the last 21 years of vocational ministry. There have been times I have felt very alone, afraid, confused, like what I felt in the back of that Fed-ex truck. But, we have a God who is wasting nothing and is carrying us through his loving arms for his glory.