In March, 2017, I had the privilege of speaking at Desire Street's "Thriving Leaders Series" on a topic called the "Underbelly of Service: Why the false self plagues so many ministries." This was the beginning of what would be called, Loving Freely.
You can watch the presentation here: https://vimeo.com/219781733
This is a blog series based on the content I presented at this workshop.
"The Underbelly of Service”
I couldn’t believe what I had just done. I sat in the passenger seat of my Toyota Camry shocked after I had just let a 14 year old young man crash into the back of my neighbors car, completely tearing off his rear bumper. I had been mentoring Tony for about a year.
At this point we had been in Historic South Atlanta living out Christ’s work of reconciliation for three years and had developed a deep passion for the young men in the community after seeing all that was up against them. One young man in particular holds a special place in our hearts from our neighborhood. His name is Tony. We first met Tony when he was nine years old. He has a smile that lights up the room. He started to get involved with the gangs in our community and manifested itself with stolen cars, weapons and drugs.
My reaction towards this was extremely codependent. I jumped in trying to save him. Internally I said, “Not on my watch. I have a Masters degree in Intercultural Ministries from Seminary and I will not let this happen.” There was also a mixture of being a white guy that needed to solve and fix his issues. This approach doesn’t work with my wife, not sure why I thought it would work with this young man.
I was going to save this young man from the pits of despair. So, another young man in our community and I started a program called Thirkield University, specifically to save Tony and also be a support to the other young men in the community. It was a pretty basic youth program that met weekly. The guys in the neighborhood called it a brotherhood and this is quickly what it turned into. It became a support system for each other as our key concept was dignified interdependent relationships. By the grace of God we saw many young men dream larger than their context and also come to know Christ as their brother. A few of the guys went onto college and got permanent jobs. We also unfortunately saw a few young men make decisions to take up a more permanent residence. People always react to their environment.
We emphasized Christ as a brother to these young men based on Hebrews 2, which the writer describes how God incarnated himself to become like one of us. These young men needed to understand that Christ was their brother walking with them in their struggles, not a God that was looking to judge, punish, and condemn them. Years later I would realize the significance of Christ as my brother as we would watch my mom and dad die in a span of six years.
Tony would come regularly to our meetings and on one Thursday night he was helping me bring some materials up to the community center in our car. As we were about to hop in the car he said to me, “Can I drive up to the gym?” The person in me that wanted to rescue and save this young man said, “Sure, why not?” His older brother, who was seventeen, had just driven my car, so I thought this would work. So, Tony hopped in my car, backed out of the driveway safely and as he put the car into drive he slammed on the gas and before I could react, we had smashed into the back of my neighbor’s car. I sat there in disbelief not believing what had just happened.
My neighbor whose car I had smashed heard the noise and came out and let me have it. I apologized profusely, and covered the cost of the damage that night. The amount of shame and embarrassment that I held in that moment was too much. I had royally messed up. Even though my intentions were good, I had made a rash and emotional decision based on an unmet emotional need in me.
“Our wounds fuel our sin.”
What I didn’t realize at the time was that there was a young thirteen year year old boy that needed to be healed inside of me. I was trying to provide Tony with everything I didn’t receive when I was his age. Things like; belonging, a sense that he is good, not a loser, and that he can do anything.
As I began to process what happened and why I did this, God, through the power of the Holy Spirit in John 16, which promises that “he will guide you into all the truth”, began to reveal to me what was happening internally. I had done counseling for many years and I sensed the Spirit say; “You need to go back to your family of origin”. I had read Pete Scazzero’s book, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality and thought I got the main ideas. I had spent hours with Jesus, memorized whole segments of the Bible, read Howard Thurman, Henri Nouwen, Parker Palmer and had spent many hours in counseling.
Yet, something was disconnected. There was an underbelly in my family of origin that I had never explored before, which led me to make such a rash and emotional decision.
This experience led me back to counseling and the discovery that the core lie from my family of origin was that I was a failure and never good enough and that I needed other people to change to make myself feel better. I had a lot of experiences where I was shamed for misbehaving, and so I became a performer, believing that if I performed, this would cover up my dysfunction that I was a failure.
This core lie was never dealt with and so ministry and helping others became a way of measuring myself, proving that I was no longer a failure. As my counselor says, “Ministry is such a great measurement tool. If you perform well, you are considered valuable.”
This was the wound that fueled my sin and God continues to heal me. We all have core lies we carry from our family of origin that need to be healed. And Abba Father was calling me to face this deep darkness of my own soul in order to heal. Brene Brown says it like this in Rising Strong; “You either walk into your story and own your truth, or you live outside of your story, hustling for your worthiness.”
And here’s the reality. I’m not alone. There’s an underbelly of Christian ministry and service that needs to be addressed. This underbelly is that at times we are doing things for the wrong motives. We are helping people, running organizations, ministries, or churches because there is something disconnected internally. If we're honest with ourselves we are doing this work because there's something lacking in our family of origin and it manifests itself in the way we love our neighbors. Brennan Manning says it like this in Abba’s Child; “Negative voices from our family of origin (“You will never amount to anything”), moralizing from the church, and pressure to be successful transform expectant pilgrims en route to the heavenly Jerusalem into a dispirited traveling troup of brooding Hamlets and frightened Rullers.”
It’s an epidemic. Many of us are living disingenuous lives that are rooted in the false self, which the apostle Paul describes as the sinful or fleshly self. Like an iceberg, there’s some deep things lurking beneath the surface of our lives and if we’re honest, a deep sense of self-hatred.
This has been a struggle of mine ever since I have been in ministry and I can now name what I was struggling with; codependent relationships in ministry. Codependency is simply, “at its core it is a futile attempt to extract love from other people. And it is exhausting. What is often missing is the core belief you are already deserving of love yourself and that you already possess the love of God.’ I needed people to change or a ministry to be successful because if they didn’t or if my ministry wasn’t successful then I am a failure. It’s all rooted in my own selfishness, family of origin and sinful family patterns.
Ouch.
A question that a good friend of mine, Andrej asked a few years ago when talking about Christian ministry is, “What am I getting out of this? Am I getting a sense of being a hero, to be in control or seeking power?"
Those in leadership all struggle with it, in different capacities of course. Some of us are hugely codependent and crumble when someone speaks negatively about us. Some of us are narcissistic and think that the ministry world revolves around us. I have seen it with my own heart, but also in the most successful people. Lawyers, engineers, director of operations in large companies and mega church pastors. They hide and they do things because they are living out of the false self. They are doing it to prove something to themselves and to others that has hidden sin in their family of origin.
This is why a lot of people burn out in Christian ministry is because we have never gone backwards to go forwards. We have never visited our family of origin and wrestle with how the past continues to play out in the present and affects so much of our lives.
A good friend that has been very successful in life and is a president of a large company, which manages hundreds of people said, "IQ will get you the job, but EQ (emotional intelligence) will help you keep the job." I couldn't agree with him more. If we don't understand the false self that we all have we will all make decisions and live out of fear and this will plague every aspect of our lives.